The music, the films and television, the books, the games, the slow, crippling descent into a terrible depression. 2020 was not a great way to start a decade by any means, but it’s the start I, no, we all, had.
Note: A podcast version of an earlier draft of this post is available as part of my Storytime with Cian podcast. Check out the episode here, and please subscribe! Also, apologies to Anya Taylor-Joy for my constant butchering of her not that hard to remember name. I’m bad.
The Games
With COVID forcing us all to spend more time indoors, I ended up finding myself playing a lot more games than the previous year. As my OCD worsened, the distraction of games increased that time further. So, that said what were the games that defined 2020 for me? It’s important to understand what I mean when I say that — this isn’t the “top games of 2020”, it’s the top games I played in 2020. Yes, some of them are from this year, but several aren’t.
- Kentucky Route Zero: In the words of Waypoint Radio, “Fuck capitalism, go home.”
- Persona 5: Royal: Persona 5, but more. Still queerphobic, and that tained this playthrough more than the original.
- Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory: Kingdom Hearts, but a music game.
- Dark Souls III: Dark Souls 1, but fast.
- Silent Hill 2: They don’t make them like this anymore, even ‘this’ is the not-so-hot HD port.
- Death Stranding: This is bad, but beautiful. Also, Mads.
- Wide Ocean Big Jacket: Cute, short, and hey: remember vacations?
- Phantasy Star Online 2: The kick of nostalgia with friends that I needed.
- Hades: TFW you almost kill your dad on the first try.
- Zero Escape: 999: 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors: Anime, sci-fi SAW only not awful. Still good after all this time.
- Final Fantasy IX: Vivi.
The Films
I think I saw, at most, one or two films in theaters before the pandemic hit. Enjoying the act of seeing a film in a theater, this was a big ol bummer for me. Some incredible films hit streaming, and some of them are on my to-watch list. But I saw a lot of throwaway garbage too — like, hard to even compile a top 10 list garbage. But these films defined 2020 for me, even Sonic. Though I really hope that’s not the last film I’ll see in theaters. It can’t end like that.
- Palm Springs: Groundhog days this year just hit harder.
- She Dies Tomorrow: Oddly fitting for this year.
- Horsegirl: Depressing then just kinda weird.
- Sonic the Hedgehog: Let me tell you about Olive Garden.
- Mank: Not my favorite Fincher film, but a curious viewing.
- The Invisible Man: Not content to let his pal James be the only one to get mainstream acclaim post-SAW, Leigh Whannel makes a movie about gaslighting that’s solid but maybe jumps three sharks.
- Emma: Emma.
- Tenet: What beautiful looking (and sounding) trainwreck l did I just watch.
- Borat: Subsequent Movie Film: Wasn’t on my 2020 bingo but here we are
- Soul: Wow. Umm. Wow.
Also, Citizen Kane is still a masterpiece, nearly 80 years later.
The Television
This was a great year for streaming content. Simply thinking of 10 shows was difficult, and much like the games shows from the past held a great hold over me this year too: shows like Fullmetal Alchemist and Korra reminded me of trying times past, and that we come out stronger for them.
- The Queen’s Gambit: Wow they made chess exciting.
- Alice in Borderland: If Zero Escape scratched the SAW vibe in games, this did so in TV land.
- Schitt’s Creek: A good reminder that first impressions aren’t everything.
- Ted Lasso: Sometimes characters made for ads can make for good TV shows.
- I Will Destroy You: Oof. This was intense.
- Terrace House: Tokyo 2019–2020: Bittersweet given everything that transpired with Hana, but it’s still hard to ignore the impact this show had on me at the start of COVID.
- Riverdale: What’s more devilish than the Gargoyle King? Rich kids.
- The Good Place: Fork, it’s so good.
- I Am Not Okay With This: I am okay with this.
The Music
I’m grateful I even made it to two live shows before COVID — Less Than Jake and Torche. I had more planned. The 1975, My Chemical Romance, Pitchfork Music Festival, Kero Kero Bonito. Oh, what this year took from me. It still gave me some great music, although much of it felt better suited to a year where I wasn’t just so fucking depressed.
- POST HUMAN: SURVIVAL HORROR by Bring Me the Horizon
- Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams
- Notes on a Conditional Form by The 1975
- RTJ4 by Run the Jewels
- Child Soldier: Creator of God by Greg Puciato
- 3.15.20 by Childish Gambino
- THE ALBUM by BLACKPINK
- how i’m feeling now by Charli XCX
- Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa
- WOMB by Purity Ring
So that’s the media of the year. Beyond that, things were just kinda… bad. Brogan happened. He’s a handful, but he’s great! I ran my first 5K and came in 92nd place out of about 3000 people (fifth among men my age bracket). But I got laid off twice. One from a job I really enjoyed, once from what I can only call a giant joke (and that’s if I’m being kind). I landed on my feet again and love my new role, but the stress of being out of work twice sucked.
Like many, I felt isolated and alone. I felt disconnected from the world and spiraled into a really deep depression. Some people helped me get through this year in ways I don’t even think they realize. I’m eternally grateful for them. But that pit of depression? I’m still kinda there.
Who knows what 2021 holds.
