It starts in that intangible space. Spiraling, formless but persistent.
Then.
Then you entertain it. And it becomes vivid — visual, you imagine sounds that complement the imagery.
The sensations — physical feelings start to latch on.
This.
This is all in your head. But it feels real. And it’s a frequent thing. And it was real. It’s a memory. A memory that consumes your thoughts when you least want it to.
When I’m in social situations, especially situations where I know a lot of people to some degree where I’m interacting with them — chatting, talking, shaking hands, maybe they massage my shoulders, who knows. When I’m in these situations, especially over the past year, these memories start flooding my brain. They’re usually memories that incite sadness or frustration.
I start ruminating on the thoughts, and thinking “Why now? Why can’t these just go away for a while?”. And then the physical pain starts. It’s worse in the winter, when in the cold New England weather the heat is so often, making interior spaces dry. My vision begins to blur from strain. My sense of balance starts to dip off a little bit. I know I need to step out and take a break. But I don’t.
I try to maintain a good mood, and I think I succeed at this a lot. But then the physical pain there but familiar sinks into the background and my focus and, for lack of a better term, “sanity” start to crumble. I’m generally a very long-winded, “quirky” person in conversation but I soon lose track of what I was just saying, soon forget what I was even about to say.
This is how I start to feel after a few hours in “dense” social situations. I felt I should write it out. I do not know if anyone will read this, nor if it will offer anyone insight. I don’t know if anyone has a similar experience ot this but writing it felt right, as did sharing it.
