2017 was a terrible, terrible year for me but I clawed my way through and came out the other side partially intact. I hoped 2018 would be better and set goals to make sure it was.
I set two major goals for 2018:
- Meet my weight loss goal (get down to between 170 and 165 lbs)
- Move
Based solely on those goals, 2018 was a big success. Not only did I move, I left the comforts of my life in the US and returned to Ireland, a country I hadn’t lived in since I was 4 years old. I started a job at EA there. I’m sitting at 162 lbs now and comfortable with my weight — now focused on maintaining it.
And hey! I became a US citizen and I voted!
And while pound-for-pound 2018 was a better year than 2017, it still was a hard, hard year.
Before we continue I’ll throw up a vague content/trigger warning here as I will be kind of writing this and not really editing it before publishing so, as the thoughts come to me, we may veer into some uncomfortable and heavy territory.
The past 8.5 months in Ireland have been… well they’ve been rough. I spent most of my time either at work or on my own. I haven’t made any friends and don’t really have much energy on my days off or after work to get out there and try to socialize. Being 5–8 hours ahead of many of my friends, communicating over Skype or what have you isn’t always an option so I’ve felt disconnected from folks as a whole.
Add to that, a friendship that just felt increasingly crippling and toxic finally ended (I ended it, though not in the way I feel I should have) and just a feeling of malaise and lack of fulfillment? It’s rough. I’ve relied more and more on mindfulness techniques (I try to do a guided meditation to just relax at least once a day) to get me through my days and am increasingly relying on journaling and other techniques to get through each day.
That said, I’m getting through it. I’m keeping my head up, and exciting things are already being set in motion for 2019. So while life’s been still far from ideal, I’m getting better at pushing through and fucking finding what I want and reaching for it — doing my damndest to make it a reality.
And through it all I realize more and more who the people in my life are that I can rely on and who I truly care about. I’ve gained a stronger, renewed appreciation for my friends and while I don’t always show it, I value them so much.
I’ve also started to try and better course correct some of my own shortcomings and while those changes are hard and slow to happen, I will continue to tackle them in the year ahead.
The chapter in my life that started in mid 2016 hasn’t been the best overall but I think it’s looking more and more like a short one, and if I have my way 2019 could be the final year of it. Even if it’s not, it gets me closer to the next, better one.
But I need your help, please believe in me as I’m honestly still not that great in believing in myself. Let’s kick 2019’s ass and pierce the heavens~
