Apologies for the silly title. And uh… TW/CW for mental health and intrusive thoughts.
I don’t … I don’t talk (well, let’s be real — write) about my depression and OCD as much these days. I mean, honestly, I probably do and just have a warped perspective on what “a lot” is but… anyways.
Generally speaking, I’ve been doing really, really good over the past three months. I haven’t been so happy or in such a good place in a very long time. But the fact of the matter is that doesn’t mean I don’t have depression, or OCD, or ~c r i p p l i n g~ social anxiety.
So, when on Monday I didn’t feel super uh, up for things I was kinda worried. On Tuesday, I felt a bit better. Eh, just a case of the Mondays, right?
Okay but Wednesday… Wednesday I woke up and had an anxiety attack. Not a full-blown panic attack, but just one of those things where, apropos of nothing, I can’t cope and get really up my own head.
And it just kinda… stuck for the whole day.
Thursday (that’s today for those of you keeping track) comes and the feeling just lingers.
There’s no real reason why I’m feeling this way.
I. just. am.
And it’s hard. It can be super hard being “on” and going to work and being around people when, for literally no reason, you just kinda wanna climb into bed, feel sad, and maybe nap.
And that’s just the depression. There’s the actual anxiety of being around people.all.day, which is then amplified by the need to just kinda keep the chin up and all that. It can be especially hard when you present yourself a certain way (in my case, a lil bit goofy) in the office and you just… can’t.
And then, sadly, today I dealt with some intrusive thoughts. I’ll keep the specifics to myself but, like they so often can be, it was uncomfortable and made me feel a lil worse after it happened.
It’s been a really hard week! I’m hoping the next one will be better! I guess if there’s any point to this stream of conscious rant it’s that… you never know what’s going on with people around you and sometimes people are just sad, so try to respect that.
I hope you’re all doing well. I’m not right now, but I intend to be soon.
